Monday, March 13, 2006

 

From McSweeney's

YOUR STREET-HARASSMENT QUESTIONS ANSWERED. By Wendy Molneux.

Hey, baby! Do fries come with that shake?

Actually, with this shake, you get a choice of sides. You can have regular or curly fries, jalapeño poppers, or a side salad.

What kinds of dressing do you have?

You can get ranch, honey-mustard, or lite Italian.

What about onion rings?

They're a dollar extra.

Can I get this to go?

Yes! And you can also shove it up your ass, you fucking idiot.

- - - -

Pardon me, miss. I seem to have lost my phone number. Could I borrow yours?

Do you mean that you forgot it, or that you actually misplaced it?

It's weird, but I actually misplaced it.

But that's impossible. A number is abstract. How could you misplace it?

I'm not supposed to say this, but I work for the government, and time and space are collapsing. Abstract concepts have acquired actual mass, and can now be misplaced.

So, do you think you might lose your chauvinism? And your lack of respect for other people?

I hope not. That's kind of what I'm about.

- - - -

Hey, can I get in your pants?

I think they might be too small for you.

All right, then. Can I get in your shirt?

But I'm wearing a floral blouse. Aren't you worried that these guys you're hanging out on the porch with will laugh at you or call you names if you wear a blouse?

Well, if they do that, I guess they're not really my friends.

Wow, you're a lot more secure than I would have expected. And deeper.

Yeah, it's weird. I woke up this morning and my low self-esteem had vanished.

That's probably because time and space are collapsing, and abstract concepts have acquired physical form, meaning that we can lose them.

So, do you think you'll lose that chip on your shoulder?

God, I hope not. It's kind of what I'm about.




Comments:
I'd kill for harassment that clever. Sure as heck beats "Hey baby, you're hotttt"
 
Oh, these were great! Yeah, I'm with sapiophile. The most attention I ever garner usually comes in the form of a very obnoxious "Pssst! Say baby, what's your name?"

Can anything make you want to vomit more than hearing that? I doubt it.
 
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